Who We Are

If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

-Jack Handey

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

-Jack Handey

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

-Jack Handey

It takes a big man to cry, and an even bigger man to laugh at him.

-Jack Handey

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he’d eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

-Jack Handey

I think a good movie would be about a guy who’s a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.

-Jack Handey

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

-Jack Handey

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I’ll bet there are more than a few Chihuahuas with ideas of their own.

-Jack Handey

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

-Jack Handey

I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, “Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?” or “Do you have that fifty dollars you borrowed?” Man, quit being so cheap!

-Jack Handey

The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then I told myself, “Go ahead, do whatever you want, it’s ok by me.”

-Jack Handey

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

-Jack Handey

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

-Jack Handey

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

-Jack Handey

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I’d have all my money back.

-Jack Handey

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

-Jack Handey